Is God Done With Me?

15 years ago this week, God gave me the burden to preach the Gospel. I didn’t understand then, what that undertaking meant. I think in many ways that’s why He called me when I was only 14 years old. I would have ran, like Jonah, out of fear knowing what it could cost me. Instead, on June 27th, 2003, I answered the call to preach at Hartland Church Camp. It is a day, a moment, that is engraved in my mind and heart. I preached my first sermon on, July 6th at the Bethel Missionary Baptist Church in Oakley where I grew up. I preached on Peter denying Christ 3 times. Two weeks later I preached at Faith Missionary Baptist Church in Concord and another week later at Mt Gilead Church Camp. I witnessed someone come to know Christ for the first time following that third sermon and again is something I’ll never forget. That moment sealed the deal – this was my calling.

So here’s where we lie: 15 years later and after being so convinced then, I ask the question now, is God done with me? I didn’t just magically fall upon this question. No, my actions got me here. I had serious struggles with depression, loneliness, self esteem just to name a few that went untreated. I always felt changing my scenery would help my problem so I would move or jump into another relationship, trying my best to run from it.

When I became a lead pastor, I lost my best friend. As fast as I could run, it didn’t matter everything caught up with me. I allowed this toxicity to creep in and change me. I wasn’t enjoyable to be around and it was effecting the church I pastored. I needed to resign, I needed to get help. I needed a break. Instead I got wind of another opportunity and it was far away this time. Farther than anywhere I had been. Maybe my problems, maybe my sin couldn’t cross the Grapevine, I thought, I don’t know. A few months in though and it caught up with me. In fact, it never left. I had a true desire and heart for the opportunity that was in front of me, but my sin went unchecked for too long. I was sick and had convinced myself I had everything under control. My actions broke hearts, families, a church, and her pastor.

I brought the very worst out in many people. In many people’s pain, anger and disappointment, things were said and done that otherwise likely shouldn’t have been said and done, but nonetheless here we are. I have since received and continue to receive weekly Christian counseling. I’ve discovered the meaning of true Godly friendships with commitments of support from people I don’t deserve. I’m a member of a church with men, women and children who love me. I’m in a relationship that did not start with God at the center, but God has been gracious and patient and now I firmly believe He is in the center of all I do. I haven’t preached a sermon in a year, but I can’t tell you what it meant to be asked to help lead worship at Vacation Bible School a couple weeks back.

A word that echoes in my mind daily is, “you will never preach, again.” Or, “you will never be qualified to preach – ever.” Jonah ran from God. One might say he got swallowed up in his fear and selfishness (pun intended). When Jonah finally got his head on straight, God’s plan for him to go to Nineveh didn’t change. Maybe I’m just reading this out of hopeful context. I know I’ve wronged and hurt so many people, so is God finished with me? I’ve always preached that the moment God is done with someone, He takes’m home. Maybe my time is short, or maybe my time is slowly changing, I’m not sure. I’m still a firm believer in that – that God isn’t done with you til He says so.

The greatest thing that I’ve found that can keep you from your purpose though is shame. Shame can turn the strongest of us, weak. The bravest, cowardice. The boldest, apathetic. Ever felt so ashamed of yourself, so humiliated, you felt useless? I can remember driving the levee road from Oakley to Sacramento to attend a church event my girlfriend and parents were attending. There was a post on Facebook about me and it wasn’t the post that was too much, but the comments that followed. The “yeah, I knew God never called him. He’s useless.” “He’s nothing but a problem. He’ll never preach again.” Words said by “friends.” People I just dined with just weeks prior. I was alone. I never felt more useless.

I realized who I was, what I had done, and how I got here. Why people who I thought were my friends were saying hateful things back and forth on a public form about me. I was there because of my actions. That statement didn’t immediately sit in though. Shame kicked down the door of my emotions first. “They were right,” I thought. “I’m useless.” I came to a stop on the quiet levee road beyond the little town of Walnut Grove. There was an opening between some trees on the levee that opened out straight into the water. “I’m nothing but a burden and disappointment on everyone I care about.” I continued saying out loud to myself. “I’m done. God’s done with me.”

I had received a text from someone I had hurt just prior to pulling over: “Just kill yourself. You’ve hurt enough people.” People suck, right? What a disgusting thing to say to someone. The vast majority of people upset and hurt wouldn’t have dared say something like this, but shame creates illusions far distant from reality. Shame told me, this person was right. My actions justified a public slam book. If I disappeared, everyone’s life would just be easier. But was that my call? To say that my disappearance would be better for everyone? To decide that God is, in fact, done with me? Maybe His plan is changing for me in light of my decisions, but if God is finished with me here on this Earth, shouldn’t I leave it up to Him? It’s hard to convince yourself the pain you’re experiencing is only here for a season. Just how long is this season, God? Deserving or not, it doesn’t make the pain any less. Will I ever overcome my depression? Will I ever find worth in myself to the same level Jesus finds worth in me? Will I live to see my full potential or just become another “if only” in the ministry of the Lord Jesus Christ? So many unanswered questions. I needed a sign. I know that’s cliche, but I needed something. Something to convince me diving my truck in the delta was not the way to go.

As I sat there sobbing in my own shame, I received a text from a close friend. He was one of very few at the time. And all he said was, “Love you.” That text saved my life. It wasn’t 20 questions. It wasn’t a lecture. It was the most needed reminder I’ve ever received: I was loved. It didn’t mean what I did was ok, but what I did had the potential of being forgiven. After coming to myself, catching my breath and drinking about three bottles of water, I knew I needed to talk to God but was ashamed of everything going on in my head. What do I say to Him? Sorry? Thank you? All that could come out in that moment was, “I love you, Lord.” I know we’re suppose to be vocal in prayers, I guess, perhaps poetic speaking in old Shakespearian English, but that was all I could say in that moment as I finally drove on. Anytime I see that location on the levee road, I’m reminded that God’s grace outweighs my shame.

Do not listen to shame, ever. No matter if you’re a victim of yourself or something horrible, I’m begging you to know in your heart that ending your life is NEVER the answer. You think shame never visited me again after that day at the levee? Please. It’ll creep right back in. If you’re overwhelmed by the weight of your circumstance, do not take it on by yourself. Get help. Help is not a sign of weakness and no, you’re not an inconvenience to anyone. Im in for counseling every week for almost a year now. Is it embarrassing? At first. Until you realize how many others have needed the same help or worse along the way. Turns out, a lot of people struggle with sin out there. Remove yourself from things that bring you this weight. Separate yourself from people who don’t want what’s best for you. Plug yourself into a church and community that does love and want what is best for you. Know above everything else that God has got you. Remove the shame, embrace His grace.

What Jonah and I both have in common is that we both are forgiven. I put that in bold letters because there’s a weight to understanding the forgiveness of God. People will struggle to and rightfully so – we’re human. People will speak on behalf of God and tell you He’s done with you. Let no one speak for God; He can speak for Himself. God doesn’t hold grudges. God’s purpose in your life matures, but like Him, is consistent. God didn’t make a mistake in creating you, and He certainly didn’t make a mistake in wanting to work through you. If you’re a mess, good. God can use that. If you’re in pieces, good. God can put you back together. If you’re not ok, that’s ok. God’s forgiveness empowers you to move forward when everyone else wants to dismiss you.

15 years have come and gone. There were times I wasn’t committed at all, times I committed too much. Days where my cup ran over and days where it was bone dry. God blessed me where I preached in dozens of churches, schools, public events, church camps, youth rallies, ladies meetings, funerals, weddings and the list goes on. He’s given me an ability to speak, a passion for music and a love for His Word. Is God done with me? No, He isn’t. I wait anxiously for the next hopeful opportunity. God isn’t through with you either. Things maybe changing, but He isn’t finished. My actions brought me to where I am, but God has and will continue to deliver me, heal me, and use me again. To Him be the glory. Signing out for now. Talk to you again soon. Thanks for reading.